Entry tags:

memes, my fics, snape/harry, stories i would never write series, under 18 fics

stories I would never write, #1 (will I really do more?) Snarry MPREG. Aaagh!
For the "stories I would never write" meme.

Author: schemingreader

Title: (Thoughts of) Christmas in July

Pairing: Snape/Harry

Rating: PG

Warning: MPREG, mentions of vomiting and a man with a vagina and breasts, and soft-boiled eggs with toast soldiers, and other things that are too cute to really go with Snarry.

Word count: about 1100
Author's Note: cordeliav's Prompt: "Snape is pregnant, and Harry is convinced that they need to both find a religion to covert to, so that their child is brought up within some sort of community of faith. So, he goes shopping for a religion. Snape is . . sceptical of the entire process. Hilarity ensues." I don't know about hilarity, but Snape vomits, and I know there is a fannish audience for that.







"Hyperemesis is a characteristic symptom of male pregnancy," the Healer explained. Harry held Severus' ponytail and stroked his heaving back.



"Isn't there anything we can do?"



"Don't whinge, Potter," Severus said into the basin, and then retched again.



"There's a charm you can cast that affects the traditional Chinese medicinal points," the Healer explained. She cast it, and Severus sat up and mopped the sweat from his face, which was a dreadful shade of light green.



"Sorry, love," Harry said. Severus' eyebrows came down. The Healer clucked and patted Severus on the elbow, which did not seem to help his temper.



"You can try the charm again--cast it as many times as you like," the Healer said. Harry stumbled over the Chinese phrase, but intention counted and Severus relaxed. "You see, morning sickness comes on for most women because of the abrupt influx of hormones in early pregnancy. In wizards, the hormonal change is even more dramatic, as you don't typically have a womb, vagina, or breasts."



"Potter, you berk, you're blushing," Severus said. "You've seen them, my breasts." He grinned with unholy relish. How he loved to embarass Harry.



The Healer went on. "Except for the vomiting, you seem to be doing rather well. Your weight gain could be a bit better, but I see that the fetus is growing at a good rate. She promises to be quite a big baby."



"She?"



"Yes, Mr. Potter, most male pregnancies result in female babies, we don't know why," the Healer said.



"Good," Severus said. "That way if you decide you like Judaism or Islam best, you won't be cutting my child's willie."



"What's that?" The witch's voice squeaked a little.



"I'm looking for a spiritual tradition in which to raise our child," Harry explained, again. "I've read that it lends a sense of stability and belonging, and--"



"It's not as though you were raised in any church yourself!" Severus was still scornful.



"Exactly," Harry said. He could glare just as well as his partner.



The Healer made a few hasty notes on her parchment. "I think our next home visit will be in six--er, four weeks. I'd like to monitor you a bit more closely."



Harry thanked her and saw her out.



"Nice going," Harry said, "Now you've got her all concerned about our home situation. She's probably reporting to the Ministry, you know."



"I'm not the one visiting every house of worship in Britain to see which one is most accepting of same-sex partnerships."



Harry fiddled with his wand. "The Jews were nice," he said.


"What? You're going to take my daughter to a synagogue and make her sit behind a curtain?"


"Curtain? No. It was a Progressive synagogue. They had a lot of food after the service. The rabbi was a woman--an American. She was very nice to me."


"American! Saints preserve us." Severus still got an absurd self-satisfied look on his face whenever he made a joke.


"A lot of Church of England parishes are good about same-sex partners," Harry persisted. "They have Christmas and all."


"Oh I see," Severus said. "You really liked the Jews better but you would miss Christmas."


"I also went to a progressive ashram."


"How was that?"


Harry shrugged. "I went with Parvati Patil, so everyone was very kind to me, but I don't think they let in outsiders very easily, and there weren't any gay men there."


"You didn't go to a mosque, or a Catholic church? Not very comprehensive of you."


"I did, though. I liked the people at the mosque very much. They were friendly, but--"


"Not a good place for a gay family."


"No. And I thought Catholicism was right out, because you were raised Catholic."


"How the bloody hell did you know that?"


"How do you think? I asked your mum."


Severus, his eyes bulging and his lips compressed, rose abruptly. His tiny belly had him a little off-center, but he could still stalk out of a room.


Harry had learned not to run after him. The front door slammed.

---

After an hour, Harry heard someone vomiting into the rosebushes by the front door, and knew that Severus was back.



He came outside and cast the Chinese charm.



"Aren't you hungry?" he asked.



Severus nodded. He seemed unwilling to begrudge Harry a word. They went into the kitchen.



"Can you stomach a soft-boiled egg?"



"How could you talk to my mother!"



Harry shrugged. "She seems very nice."



"Bloody Boy Who Lived, saviour of the world, comes to her door, of course she's 'nice.'"



"Oi," Harry said. "She only wanted to know about her son."



"I haven't been to confession in over twenty years," Severus said. His eyes teared. "Stupid pregnancy hormones."



"We'd have to get circumcised to convert to Judaism," Harry said. "I asked. I didn't think you would like that."



Severus' nose always curved down into his smile in the most adorably ugly way; this time there was a tear hanging off it. Harry handed him a handkerchief.



"What did my mother say?"



"She said she'd like to see you."



"I loved going to Mass," Severus confessed. "I loved the ceremony of it. It's very orderly."



"I just want my child to have a family, that's all."



"I could manage an egg."



Harry made him an egg and some toast and a pot of tea. Severus cut the toast into soldiers. Harry drank tea. He hated when Severus got angry. He was always left feeling hollow and drained until they made up.



"I can cook other things," Harry said. "Now that you aren't cooking."



Severus was quiet for awhile. He pushed his plate away, and then Summoned some parchment. Harry came to look over his shoulder.



"I'm writing to my mother. I'm going to invite her to spend Christmas with us. You can go to Mass with her, if you like. I'll be too pregnant by then."



"I love you," Harry said. Severus rolled his eyes. Harry leaned down and kissed him on the worry lines in his forehead.



"Just don't talk with my mother about breastfeeding, all right?"



"Yeah, fine."

Severus smirked back at him. "I love you too, you little prat."